Question : Problem: Mouse Problems

This is kinda embarrasing but I have to get into all the programs with just my keyboard and I called to the place where I bought my computer, They told me I needed a mouse.
So I went to the mall and bought one.

Here's the problem.
First of all, I have no idea where to plug it in.
Second, every time I try to use it, the stupid thing keeps biting me.

Also, does it have to be a mouse, or would a hampster work?

Someone please help me out!!!

Answer : Problem: Mouse Problems

I AM TERRIBLY DISAPPOINTED!!!
I have been away from this site for 6 months, and on my first day back--what do I find???
A friend is in dire need of help and for so long you guys have been giving such WEAK,WATERED DOWN--chidish-- unproven etc. solutions??
We at ANACONDA COMPUTERS( South American branch ) pride ourselves on our customer service. Our motto is :ALL computing problems solved or 200% REFUND on your purchase price!!
When we have a serious problem like this, we resort to our TRIED AND TESTED solution-- a 2-4 months long expedition up the Brazilian jungle to capture a Giant Anaconda-- must be between 25-30 feet long.
The anaconda IS NOT FED at all ( very important ) so that it will OPEN UP very quickly!!
This is then chained by the tail to the computer desk ( as this accessory does not have to be plugged into a computer port )-- and NO MORE complaints!!
1) The client's computer is the talk of all friends and neighbours,
2) No more illegal tampering with the computer-- as everyone admires from afar,
3) The client ( if so inclined ) gets his work done in RECORD TIME !!,
4) If he is STILL very inconsiderate and complaining then :
    a.. the computer is essential to his business and he is becoming FED up with it, then our recommendation is FEED it to the Anaconda,
    b.. And THE final solution that stops all callbacks-- do not give yourself over to despair, give yourself over to the Anaconda!!!
Our reputation has been intact for OVER 25 YEARS and there are no dissatisfied customers AROUND!!